Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Check Your Credit Report

I bought my first home (a two bedroom co-op) 4½ years ago. As many new and even repeat homeowners know, during that stressful time of house hunting, mortgage pre-approvals and getting anally raped with untold numbers of fees, your credit report gets checked fairly frequently. Back then I had a collection on my report that wasn't mine for about $350. Having a real estate lawyer to take care of all the petty errant information was well worth her fee. I mention this because of a letter I received yesterday.

I have a credit card with Chase that I opened to take advantage of a zero percent balance transfer offer about two years ago. "Good move," I thought as I was going to rid myself of unwanted interest debt and screw the credit card company that wouldn't lower my APR to a reasonable level.

Well, Chase sent me a letter saying the following, or at least this is how I read it:

Dear Douchebag,

Since we are a huge fucking bank with a credit card division and have absolutely no care for our customers, and despite your continued diligence in paying your account in a timely manner and paying above the minimum amount due, we have decided to close your account regardless of its good standing after reviewing your Experian Credit Report. We know it's probably for a stupid reason and Experian probably fucked up your shit, so if you'd like to request a free report as is your right required by law, contact Experian and find out what the fuck was in your report that caused Chase Bank to close your account and further fuck up your credit rating. If you think we've made an error, please contact us and we'll look to reinstate your account as we lo-o-o-o-ove taking your money.

Paper Pushing Cocksucker
Chase Bank

PS: Suck my balls.

So I got online last night and found my report, for free as advertised. I then I realized why Chase was a little leery of continuing my credit line. There were nine negative accounts on my report that weren't mine. NINE! Looks like Experian merged my file with another person with the same name and who lived in my neighborhood. And if you're in the same zip code, then you must be the same person.

I called Experian this morning and spoke to a very nice lady named Deborah who corrected my report lickety split. In total, between wrong social security numbers, addresses where I never lived, and employers I never worked for (including "Federal Government" no less) there were 52 corrections on my report. FIFTY-FUCKING-TWO! I did have to call a collection agency on my report to let them know that the Sprint PCS account that they wanted me to pay for never belonged to me. The asshole on the other end of the line didn't believe me (why should he I suppose) and is sending me a packet of documents including copies of all the overdue bills... for the account I don't own! It'll take four to six weeks according to Mr. I Hate My Life Asshole Collector to receive the documents with instructions on the next steps I should take - which he wasn't at liberty to discuss.

Then I got paranoid and requested free reports from Trans Union and Equifax. Trans Union also had errors in their report (along with that same Sprint account, although a different total balance owed) and Equifax was the most accurate except for the court judgment for $3000 against me that I don't know about because it's not mine. Luckily, you can dispute claims online with TU and Equifax. Not so with Experian... but I'd rather talk to a human in this instance because although Equifax was mostly accurate, their website was convoluted and sucks ass.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to make sure you check your credit report yearly. All of this errant bullshit happened within the last two years which has probably screwed my credit rating for the next 10 years unless they re-evaluate my rating after the corrections are made... but I'm not holding my breath.

You are entitled to a free credit report from all three companies once a year and can obtain them at


jane said...

Carlos that letter from the cocksucker was the funniest thing I read all day- and I have been laughing at shit literally ALL day today.

(Some of it is lack-of-sleep delirium, but still...shit was teh funneh.)

Fraulein said...

Wow -- scary. I hope you can get it all straightened out.

Meanwhile I think "Paper Pushing Cocksucker" is an actual job title at my former bank, The Worst Bank in the World (TM), Bank of America.