Morning Joke™ (The Frozen Gonad Edition)

I woke up this morning poised to post something with nothing in mind. So I thought I'd turn on the Farnsworth invention and see what was on Morning Joke™. Surely I could find something within 30 seconds. And I was right.

What the fuck? Iced coffee, anyone? The Morning Joke™ crew is televising live from Washington, D.C. in anticipation of President Obama's address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Did no one tell NBC? They're sitting out in front of the White House freezing their balls off! Doesn't NBC have studios in Washington?!

These imbeciles are sitting on the White House lawn interviewing Senator Chuck Schumer from his remote spot in the warm Capital Building but forcing others like new Secretary of Education Arne Duncan to sit out there like a schmuck giving these guys time with the wind howling, Mika shivering under a blanket and Mike Barnicle about to die from hypothermia. They can barely talk because their faces a frozen stiff.

According to Weather.com, it's currently 12° with the wind chill factor in D.C. Willie "Scooter" Geist is nowhere to be seen. Maybe he's the smart one after all. Oh wait, there he is on the other side of the White House proving he's just as moronic as the rest of them. At least he didn't disappoint.

McCain's VP Choice: Complete Pander

In a feeble attempt to lure disgruntled Hillary female supporters, the mythical PUMAs, conservatives and the NRA crowd in one fell swoop, the Maverick has decided that the person best suited to be his running mate on the Republican ticket is Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. I'll give you a minute to pick your jaw up off the floor... [instrumental of "Girl from Ipanema"]

McCain made this choice after a constant barrage of criticism regarding Barack Obama's "inexperience." What, you might ask, qualifies Palin to be the second in line to the Presidency should something befall Senator McCain (like his face falling off from the melanoma) if he ascended to the Oval Office? Well let's take a look at her resumé.

1984 - Miss Wasilla
1984 - Miss Alaska pageant runner up (disqualified for wearing a two piece bathing suit)
Bachelor's Degree in Journalism from University of Idaho
1992 through 1996 - City Council, Wasilla, Alaska
2002 - Mayor, Wasilla, Alaska (Population 5,470)
2002 - Unsucessful bid for Lieutenant Governor of Alaska
2006 to present - Governor of Alaska
She loves moose stew and mooseburgers.

...Okay. Great choice, McCain.

She's Pro-Life, opposes same-sex marriage, is in favor of drilling in ANWR, has a 100% approval rating from the NRA... What am I missing?

Do they think that Biden will go easy on her during their debate?

Here's the McCain campaign's official statement.

U.S. Senator John McCain today announced that he has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate and to serve as his vice president.

Governor Palin is a tough executive who has demonstrated during her time in office that she is ready to be president. She has brought Republicans and Democrats together within her Administration and has a record of delivering on the change and reform that we need in Washington.

Governor Palin has challenged the influence of the big oil companies while fighting for the development of new energy resources. She leads a state that matters to every one of us -- Alaska has significant energy resources and she has been a leader in the fight to make America energy independent.

In Alaska, Governor Palin challenged a corrupt system and passed a landmark ethics reform bill. She has actually used her veto and cut budgetary spending. She put a stop to the "bridge to nowhere" that would have cost taxpayers $400 million dollars.

As the head of Alaska's National Guard and as the mother of a soldier herself, Governor Palin understands what it takes to lead our nation and she understands the importance of supporting our troops.

Governor Palin has the record of reform and bipartisanship that others can only speak of. Her experience in shaking up the status quo is exactly what is needed in Washington today.

As for the Democratic reaction, this one's my favorite so far:

Chuck Schumer: "After the great success of the Democratic convention, the choice of Sarah Palin is surely a Hail Mary pass... Certainly the choice of Palin puts to rest any argument about inexperience on the Democratic team and while Palin is a fine person, her lack of experience makes the thought of her assuming the presidency troubling. I particularly look forward to the Biden-Palin debate in Missouri."

Although I'll never forgive Schumer for the Mukasey fuck up, it's still a good quote. You gotta scratch your head and wonder what (or if) the McCain campaign is thinking.

More on Palin here and here.

Also read Dingeldein and Cesca.

Tough On Terror Republicans Strike Again

U.S. Sen. Charles Schumer blasted the Bush administration's plan to eliminate some port and rail security programs and cut Homeland Security grants for states and cities from $3.4 billion in the fiscal year 2007 to $1.4 billion in 2009.

"To say, no port security, no transit security, when we know that our ports and transit lines are targets for terrorists makes no sense if you want to protect America," said Schumer, D-N.Y.

Another bang up job by our tough on terror, "wanted dead or alive" Republicans in the White House. How could I be so blind as to think that we're worse off than we were six years ago?

Senate Judiciary Committee Approves Mukasey

The 11-8 vote came only after two key Democrats accepted his assurance to enforce any law Congress might enact against waterboarding.

...Mukasey's assurances on torture that won over Democratic Sens. Dianne Feinstein and Chuck Schumer was disingenuous, according to Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy, D-Vt.

"Unsaid, of course, is the fact that any such prohibition would have to be enacted over the veto of this president," said Leahy.

...Specter, of Pennsylvania, said that outlawing waterboarding rests with Congress. He revealed that he had talked with Mukasey a day earlier and received an assurance that the nominee would back up any such legislation and quit if Bush ignores his opinion.

...Legal experts cautioned that if Mukasey called it torture, that effectively could have constituted an admission that the United States engaged in war crimes. It could also commit him to prosecuting U.S. officials even before he takes office.

Nora Ephron: It's Hard to be a Democrat

It's especially hard to remember that the real enemies are the Republicans, when the Democrats tend to break your heart and the Republicans are just the boys you'd never go out with anyway.

Read the enitre post here.

Say It Ain't So, Charlie!

Charles Schumer says he will vote in favor of Michael Mukasey's nomination as the next Attorney General... A shocker? Not really. Schumer was uncharacteristically quiet during the qustioning of Mukasey since the waterboarding issue came up. Schumer kept quiet because he actually recommended Mukasey.

"This is an extremely difficult decision," Schumer, D-N.Y., said in a statement, adding that Mukasey "is not my ideal choice."
...Schumer's announcement followed a private meeting Friday with Mukasey to discuss waterboarding."I deeply oppose it," Schumer said of waterboarding. "Unfortunately, this nominee, indeed any proposed by President Bush, will not agree with this. I am, however, confident that this nominee would enforce a law that bans waterboarding."

So instead of saying he made a mistake and sit there with egg on his face, Schumer will just slink back into the corner of the room... with egg on his face, hopefully never to be heard from again.

Damn you, Chuck. I'll never believe another word you say, ever again.

Diane Feinstein has also decided to back the AG nominee, but that's not a surprise, is it?

UPDATE: Nov. 6, 2007

Schumer, Feinstein ‘surprise’ thwarts efforts on Mukasey

Sens. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) and Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) effectively thwarted plans by the activist left to use the weekend to mobilize ahead of Tuesday’s Judiciary Committee vote and pressure wayward senators to reject the nominee, activists said.

“It was a surprise attack,” said Caroline Fredrickson, director of the Washington legislative office for the American Civil Liberties Union, which wants the Judiciary Committee to defeat the nomination. “There was a limited opportunity to say much about what Schumer and Feinstein had done because the timing was very cleverly calculated to avoid scrutiny.”

Gonzales: "Mistakes were made."

Alberto "Torture Boy" Gonzales promised to “find out what went wrong here" in the dismissal of federal prosecutors. As Kyle Sampson, chief of staff for Gonzales, resigned on Monday, there was a lot of buzz equating his resignation as being a fall guy on the heels of Scooter Libby taking the heat and his subsequent conviction. But Sen. Chuck Schumer called for Gonzo's resignation "for the sake of the nation."

“Attorney General Gonzales is a nice man,” Mr. Schumer said. “But he either doesn’t accept or doesn’t understand that he is no longer just the president’s lawyer but has a higher obligation to the rule of law and the Constitution, even when the president should not want it to be so.”

Gonzales promising to find out what went wrong is the equivalent of O.J. Simpson vowing to find his wife's killer. Even though e-mails show that White House involvement regarding the attorney firings began with correspondence between former WH counsel Harriet Miers and Sampson, there can only be two options in this matter: 1) Either Gonzales truly didn't know and therefore has no clue what going on under his nose in his office or 2) he knew full well and is equally responsible. Either way, it's a bad state of affairs.

And let's not forget that we are shown yet another example of the abuse of power in this Administration. What on earth could this amendment in the Patriot Act, enabling the President to replace federal attorneys for an indefinite period and bypassing Senate confirmation, have anything to do with the war on terror?

“We now know that it is very likely that the amendment to the Patriot Act, which was made in March of 2006, might well have been done to facilitate a wholesale replacement of all or part of U.S. attorneys without Senate confirmation,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein, Democrat of California, who serves on the Judiciary Committee. “Who authorized all of this? Who asked for that change?”

Who indeed? Federal prosecutors are usually replaced when a new administration takes over. But it is unprecedented that a wholesale change of 93 prosecutors be replaced in the middle of an administration. Sure Clinton did it. So did Bush 41. But it was done at the outset of their tenures, and I defy anyone to find one example of eight prosecutors being dismissed simultaneously while they were either in the middle of investigations against Republicans or unwilling to leak information about investigations against Democrats.

*NOTE: My apologies to the Muppets for using an image of such a likable character in an article depicting such a vile one.

GOP Blocks Senate Debate on Iraq

Well, there it is. Only two Republicans, Norm Coleman and Susan Collins, voted to debate the issue of opposing the escalation in Iraq. Senators Warner and Hagel, who bloviated for weeks, wasting valuable time and spending taxpayer dollars in the process, voted with the party line. How can you work for weeks on a resolution and then vote against having a debate on it?

The GOP leader Mitch McConnell claims it is in the interest of fairness that other amendments be heard. Well, hell! Why not have all 100 Senators propose amendments so they can debate this thing for the next two years while American troops die, get their limbs blown off and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis continue to be slaughtered?!

“Senator McConnell led his Republican troops off the cliff,” said Senator Chuck Schumer of New York, chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee.

Harry Reid changed his vote and sided with Republicans in a procedural move to allow him the option to reopen the issue.