The Useless "No-Fly" List

Here's my "no-fly" list story.

For a couple of years now, it's been taking me a little longer to get "okayed" when checking in on domestic flights. The ticket agent always seems to be punching a couple of extra keys when looking at my ID, whether it's my drivers license or my passport.

Last year, my wife and I went to Italy for our honeymoon. After an amazing two weeks, we flew back home, about an eight hour flight, and went through the process of going through customs. I handed the customs officer my passport and he looked at it, looked at the screen, looked at it, looked at the screen, looked at me, looked at the screen... this went on for a bit. He finally asks me how long I was gone.

"Two weeks," I answered.

"Have you left the country before?" asks the nice, but concerned agent.

"A couple of years ago I went to the Bahamas," I said, knowing full well that all he had to do was to look at the stamps in my passport to see where I'd been, but since he seemed nice, I didn't want to get into it. He also asked me if I'd had a hard time getting back into the country when traveling back from the Bahamas. "No. Is there a problem?" was my reply.

And then he said this: "It's just that you have a similar name to someone on the list. You have a very common name (I admit that I do) and I know that this person isn't you (there's something we agree on) but I'm going to have this Homeland Security officer escort you to the Homeland Security office just over there (points to ominous looking, large steel double doors). They'll just ask you a few questions. They have more information than I do. Sorry."

With that, he put my passport into a shiny, plastic yellow folder, handed it to the officer and sent me on my way. My wife, meanwhile, was getting a little antsy (she was behind me in line); the agent explained to her that he wished he didn't have to send me to DHS desk, because sometimes the wait can be as long as three hours, but he didn't have a choice. My wife silently cursed me for having such a common name and no middle initial. She had to wait outside the DHS room, in the regular waiting area of the airport.

Once through the DHS doors of death, the officer asked me to have a seat and handed my precious passport in the shiny, yellow folder to an DHS agent, who absolutely had no intention of calling me anytime soon, even though there were five agents available and only two other passengers besides me in the room. Nothing makes my blood boil more than a person who hates his job and the only comfort he gets is the power trip of making other people miserable.

After about 10-15 minutes, and the water cooler chat of the five DHS agents while three of us sat in the waiting area getting sufficiently irritated, my name was called. My evil, terrorist sounding name that is so common, it's the hispanic equivalent of "John Smith."

Then the not so nice agent begins his questioning.

"How long were you gone?"
"Two weeks."

"Have you ever left the country before?"
"Yes. The Bahamas. It's stamped in my passport." I wasn't going to let the opportunity slip by again. Then the kicker.

"Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" to which I gave my most dismissive, 'I hate you' response. Big sigh, eye roll, "...Noooo...." as daggars shot from my eyes. The very large agent was not appreciative of my attitude but really could do nothing about it at this point since he knew I was in the clear. He stamped my passport and handed it back. "You're free to go." I'm free to go! I'm free! I'M FREE!!!

Fast forward to the beginning of this year when my wife and I visited a friend in Toronto for a long weekend. We're coming home and I get to the customs agent on the Canadian side of the border. I hand him my passport. He looked at it, looked at the screen, looked at it, looked at the screen, looked at me, looked at the screen... oh, for fuck's same, not this again. He doesn't even speak to me and puts my passport into a not so shiny, yellow folder (looks like it's been getting some use) and sends me around the corner to a Homeland Security desk.

Only this time, the Homeland Security agent takes a two second look at the screen, literally TWO SECONDS, and says, "Well this is an obvious mistake. You shouldn't have been sent here." With that, she stamps my passport and sends me on my way. As I was about to leave, I turned and asked, "Excuse me, this is the second time this has happened to me in the last few months. Is there anything I can do to get my name off whatever list you're looking at?"

She looks at me and says, "Sorry. Unfortunately, no."

I explain this story because a report released February 28th, 2008 claims that the "No-Fly" list is at approximately 900,000 names long with about 20,000 names added monthly. And while names that are on the list hardly ever get expunged, the FBI admitted that people who truly should be on the list don't get their names added for 10 days, but due to paperwork delays it can take as much as four months. And to top it off, the current list is outdated and full of useless information as much as three years old.

Take a look at this article and you'll be amazed at some of the names on the list, including members of Congress, soldiers returning from combat and deceased 9/11 terrorists.