I don't know who the originator of this e-mail is, and I know that it's a few days late but I thought it was so funny that I had to post it. To whomever wrote it, thank you!
To: Broadway Carl
From: Anonymous
Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio , they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama . We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals then we Bluies.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out, Blue States
Update (4:40pm): A quick Google search brought me to this. Still funny.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Dear Red States
GOP Hypocrites
Jim Rutenberg, New York Times: "That whole anti-American, friend-to-the-terrorists thing about President-elect Barack Obama? Never mind."
Michele "Anti-American Views" Bachmann: ...called Mr. Obama’s victory, which included her state, “a tremendous signal we sent.”
Sarah "Palling Around With Terrorists" Palin: " “Let us, let us — let him — be able to kind of savor this moment, one, and not let the pettiness of maybe internal workings of the campaign erode any of the recognition of this historic moment that we’re in. And God bless Barack Obama and his beautiful family.”
Joe "Obama Doesn't Support The Troops" Lieberman: "... Senator Obama — is a genuine patriot and loves his country."
Fucking. Hypocrites. All.
Krauthammer Blames The Economy
When will these conservative pundits admit the truth and just come out and say that McCain fucked up? Obama has so far received over 65 million votes, 8 million more than his opponent and counting. 364 electoral votes and counting. And yet the so called conservative pundits can't bear to give credit where credit is due. Any excuse to exonerate the Maverick.
Charles Krauthammer blames the economy.In the excitement and decisiveness of Barack Obama's victory, we forget that in the first weeks of September, John McCain was actually ahead. Then Lehman collapsed, and the financial system went off a cliff.
To be fair, Krauthammer does go on to mention other factors that caused McCain's demise, including the choice of Palin, and trying to steal the "change" message - real change because of McCain's and Simple Sarah's maverickiness. And he does say that Obama ran a "brilliant" campaign. But that's secondary to Krauthammer's main message which more than half his column is devoted to, blaming the economy subliminally by suggesting that if the market didn't tank and banks didn't collapse, things could have turned out differently.
We'll never know. But the major difference is that while John McCain was playing political stunt du jour, Barack Obama was thoughtful, sought advice from experts and multi tasked - he didn't have to pretend to suspend his campaign in order to deal with a crisis.
If anyone or anything beat John McCain besides Barack Obama, it was John McCain, not only because of his choice of Sarah Palin in an attempt to galvanize a base that would never vote Democratic anyway, but in the one line that Krauthammer fails to mention in his column: "The fundamentals of our economy are still strong."
With that one sentence, McCain showed that he wasn't in touch with what was going on, that the economy was not his strong suit, and that he thought it better to try and calm the populous with a false line instead of giving them "straight talk." The non-suspension suspension of his campaign (which Krauthammer also mentions) to "solve the economic crisis" that he didn't believe was a crisis to begin with, only to go to Washington, not participate in the talks in a leadership role and quite possibly derailing the progress that had been made before he got there - was only exacerbated by the botched Letterman debacle. He should have given Letterman some "straight talk" instead of lying to a man with a nightly broadcast.
Then the Maverick who said he would "make famous" the seekers of pork with his Almighty Sharpie™ voted yea for an $850 billion bailout bill (renamed a "rescue" bill to make it more palatable for us taxpaying schmucks) when he probably knew it could have passed without his support. He could have made a statement and separated himself from his opponent by voting against it and using that Sharpie like Leonard Bernstein used a baton. Instead, he holstered his mavericky magic marker, voted for the bill and then railed against Obama as a socialist for voting in favor of the same bill!
Everyone was looking at John McCain 2008 through John McCain 2000 glasses. They wanted McCain 2000, but that McCain shriveled away a long time ago. That McCain was replaced by the 90% Bush appeaser when he realized that McMaverick wasn't going to win him any elections. The economy didn't beat John McCain, it just exposed him for the loose cannon, shoot from the hip, political stunt politician he has become.
But then Krauthammer ends with this last line - a eulogy, if you will - for Johnny Maverick:But before our old soldier fades away, it is worth acknowledging that McCain ran a valiant race against impossible odds. He will be - he should be - remembered as the most worthy presidential nominee ever to be denied the prize.
Really - a valiant race? The most worthy presidential nominee ever to be denied the prize? I know of one particular Nobel Prize winner that might disagree with you, Chuck. If ever someone was "denied" something that was probably rightfully his, it was Al Gore.
And as far as "a valiant race" is concerned, when you resort to fear mongering by calling your opponent a socialist, claim he's "palling around with terrorists", and tacitly approve of 527 groups running non-stop Reverend Wright ads for three straight days before the election, that's not valiant, it's cowardly. Not condemning that kind of hateful rhetoric is far off the bravery meter in my book.
T Minus 73 Days
"Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well."
Friday, November 7, 2008
Must Reads
Judith Warner: Tears To Remember
Newsweek: Hackers and Spending Sprees
John Cole: Henke On The Rot
Gotta Laff: Knock Knock...
More Morning Joke™ Zaniness - UPDATED
Someone should tell Joe Scarborough that the election is over.
Speaking of Sarah Palin this morning, and how she didn't know her geography, Scarborough squeezed this nugget of wisdom out of his ass: "This plays in her favor."
Not knowing what countries are involved in NAFTA and not knowing Africa is a continent is apparently an advantage to being one step away from the Presidency of the United States, according to Scarborough.
Now we all know what he meant. He meant that politically, it shows she's "just like us" and by "us" I mean all the uneducated wingnuts that make up her base; that she's got that... how do the French say it... "I don't know what"; that she's the type of person you'd like to have a beer with or maybe a lap dance from, but Joe, Joe, Joe, can you for once in your life think about the greater good instead of instinctively going to that deep, dark place that asks how this can be politically advantageous?
I mean, for fuck's sake, she could have gotten to the position of sitting Vice President without knowing that Africa is made up of 53 countries! I think that's a bit of a problem, Joe. I don't care that she galvanizes the extreme right wing base and you think that that's a plus. How did that work this time around? I want my elected officials to be smarter than I am, or at least smarter than a grade school student, or at least smarter than my dog!
And on another note to be fair, if these leaks from anonymous McCain campaign sources are false, then what does it say about the leakers or the Republican party in general that they are eating each other from the inside just two days after the election? They obviously were close enough to realize what type of person she is and don't want her anywhere near the leadership for a future run.
Either way, whether she's a dingbat or whether it's character assassination, and I believe it's the former judging by the few interviews she gave and the VP debate, it's not good for the remnants of the Republican party.
(H/T Bob Cesca)
UPDATE (11/08/08 12:55pm):
More right wing wingnuttery - this time it's Pat Buchanan and the forlorn Mika Brzezinski in defense of Sarah Palin yet again. How can they think it's a good thing for the Republican Party to have Palin as its leader? And they're all upset about the constant Palin attacks after the race is over, as if it's some entity other than the GOP and the McCain camp who's trashing Palin. They're self destructing and refuse to see it.
Lawrence O'Donnell is spot on in this clip.
(H/T FDL)
T Minus 74 Days
"Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words."
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I Have No Problem With This Commerical
But this is what they'll probably play in the Red States:
I wonder what the European version will look like?
UPDATE (11/7/08 8:20pm): During the evening last night, the latest South Park episode regarding the Obama win was on and this Guitar Hero commercial was on twice. The PG version. They chose to air the PG version after midnight on a cable network during the airing of a show that used the word "asshole" at least three times and bleeped out "fuck" "shit" "fucking" and so on. I'll never get the FCC.
Electoral Map Question
Can someone explain to me why Missouri (tied at 49% with 100% of the precincts reporting - where are the other 2%?) has been called for McCain with over 2.8 million votes cast and McCain's lead at 5,868 votes but North Carolina (tied at 50% with 100% of the precincts reporting) hasn't been called for Obama with over 4.2 million votes cast and an Obama lead of 14,053 votes? What am I missing?
I know it doesn't matter to the news organizations anymore and therefore I won't hear it on the tube, and that it won't change the results of the election, but I'd like to know what's going on. My sadistic side really wants to turn these states blue. Can anyone enlighten me?
UPDATE (2:55pm): BAM! Obama wins North Carolina. What took so fucking long? This article also states that Missouri is still too close to call, even though I've seen maps and stories handing MO to McCain. Maybe I'll get my wish after all. Woohoo! Political woody!
T Minus 75 Days
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Fox News Throws Sarah Under The Bus
But guys, what about Palin 2012? Isn't that still on the table?
Apparently, Fox News sat on a story that concluded what we all knew: Sarah Palin is not smarter than a 5th grader. Among the things she didn't know - what countries were part of NAFTA (North American Free Trade Agreement) or that Africa was a continent, not a country.
It looks like the McCain campaign or the players in the campaign are hoping character assassination will work on Palin as well as it failed on Obama. Not that I believe these stories aren't true - on the contrary, I think this is only a glimpse into the real, stupid Sarah Palin. And here I was thinking I would never have to hear her name on a daily basis again. I have a feeling we'll be hearing about her in the next few weeks, with one embarrassing anecdote after another. Sort of like the daily coverage of the death of Anna Nicole Smith... remember how long that lasted?
And on another note, do you think Fox "Fair and Balanced" News would have kept this story off the record for a month if it were, oh I don't know, Barack Obama who didn't know that the US, Canada and Mexico were part of NAFTA? Hmmm...
(H/T Bob Cesca)
Relief and Decompression
Did you feel it this morning? I did. The sky was a little brighter. The grass was a little greener. The air seemed fresher... even in New York City. I have never been happier to start a sixteen hour work day in my entire life. There's a spring in my step and a tune on my lips - something that had not come easily for quite a long time.
The weight of eight years of darkness and oppression and failed policies of the party in the Executive office was lifted off the collective shoulders of the American people; off the shoulders of all the American people, even if almost half of them don't even realize it.
Perhaps all of us can now take a breath, sit still for just a few moments and enjoy what we were a part of last night. After a twenty-one month presidential race filled with such emotion, we should take a second to stop and smell the roses. But just for a second because the work is only just beginning. All of this work was just to get to the start line. We now have to hold our elected representatives accountable, something that hasn't happened lo these last eight years. We are nowhere near finished.
There are those who would think the worst at this point in time. Already, less than twenty-four hours after one of the most important history making moments of our nation, come whispers of assassination fantasies and media personalities creating false premises to rationalize the obvious. There exists flat out hate and fear mongering (warning - link leads to Rush Limbaugh website) and it's only going to increase exponentially unless we take the bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground. We have to come together as one and police ourselves. We have to call out not only those in opposition, but when needed call out our elected officials and put their feet to the fire when it's called for.
The work is just beginning... but it's off to a goddamn great start.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
HISTORY!
UPDATE (12:52am):
The Obama campaign and Howard Dean's 50 state strategy has remade the electoral map. Ohio, Virginia, Florida, Iowa, Colorado, New Mexico, and Nevada were Bush wins in 2004 that have now gone blue. As of this writing, we're still awaiting races that are too close to call in Indiana, North Carolina and Missouri. Montana and Alaska are the remaining two states that haven't projected a winner but should remain red.
Chris Shays has lost his Congressional election which now means that there are no Republican Congressmen representing any of New England. None.
UPDATE (1:40am): The new map. (Gray = still too close or too early to call as of 1:40am)
UPDATE (1:45am): Rumor has it that Obama is choosing Rahm Emmanuel as his Chief of Staff and Emmanuel has accepted!
That's it for me - I have to get up for work in four hours. I'll continue tomorrow. Goodnight! I think tomorrow is going to be a good day.
UPDATE (6:11am): INDIANA GOES BLUE!
Neither North Carolina nor Missouri have been called.
North Carolina: 50%-50% SPLIT
Obama 2,101,986
McCain 2,089,826
Obama + 12,160
Missouri: 49%-49% SPLIT
McCain 1,442,577
Obama 1,436,724
McCain + 5,853
The reason these numbers are important is because in 2004, Bush won in NC 54%-46% and MO 53%-46%. Another amazing turnaround is that Indiana is now blue where Bush won in 2004 60%-39%.
Voting Problems - UPDATED
Kansas City, MO - Six polling locations received the wrong precinct books, therefore poll workers don't have the names of the voters who should be casting their ballots in those locations. Officials are now woring to get the books to their proper locations.
12:15pm - Richmond, VA - Exremely long lines. Polls opened at 6am and there were lines forming at 3:30am!!! Electronic voting problems in different counties not showing either the Presidential or Senate races. It's also raining in Virginia and somehow, the ballots are getting wet and jamming as they are put through the machines.
1:55pm - VIRGINIA - The Northumberland County Board of Elections has announced a programming error will prevent voters today from voting a straight ticket for one party.
Mary Thew, director of the Northumberland County Board of Elections, told The News-Item that a problem was discovered early in the vote process.
I'll update this list as I hear of the problems. If you hear anything, let me know.
T Minus 77 Days
"I'm not the one who was elected. I would never do anything to undermine my husband's point of view."
Did You Vote Yet?
At 9:13am EST, I cast my vote for Barack Obama from New York's 31st District, to be the next Presdent of the United States.
VOTE!
This is the time. There has arguably never been a more important election in the past hundred years in the history of our nation, quite possibly even since our country was founded. I know that may sound over the top or melodramatic, but think about it. Think about how we find ourselves as a nation at this moment in our history.
We find ourselves in the middle of waging two wars that has spread thin our once mighty military to the breaking point. One side looks to end the war in a logical, careful fashion and bring our men and women in uniform home, while the other side would have us continue the war indefinitely; a war built on a false premise through deception and faulty intelligence against a country that never attacked us.
We find ourselves in the midst of a deepening financial crisis, with a booming budget deficit, a nearly ten TRILLION dollar national debt; record job loss and obscenely high home foreclosures that threaten the middle class in America which thrived only 10 short years ago.
We find ourselves falling prey to health insurance companies whose premiums have increased at twice the rate of inflation in just the last year alone. Over 47 million Americans (and rising) go without health insurance in the only industrialized nation that doesn't cover all of it's citizens, yet pays six times more per capita than any of its peers - the U.S. now spends more on health care than it does on food.
We find ourselves still addicted to oil. Our track marks will not fade away so long as we need 25% of the earth's oil production but only provide 3% of it ourselves. We are a nation that develops solar panels and ships them overseas to other countries. One side wants to find alternative sources of energy to reduce and eventually eliminate our dependence on foreign sources while he other side thinks that increased oil production in the U.S. will ween us off of our need for the dealers cloaked in the suits of Big Oil.
I could go on and on, but after almost two years of debating and campaigning, you've probably heard it all. If you haven't, then you haven't been paying attention. If you come to this site on a regular basis, then you know where I stand on the issues and who I'm planning to vote for, but I'll leave you with some some poetic words written by the Rude One because if the issues don't grab you, maybe this will:What we're witnessing this election season is the ultimate triumph of American assholism: don't you fuckin' tell us we can't change things. Maybe the end result of selfishness is self-empowerment, the belief that, yeah, goddamnit, we are important enough to transform this shit. Because this ain't about McCain, this ain't about Obama. It's about us. That's what Obama has tapped into, and that's what we have responded to. Barack Obama hasn't asked us to transcend our asshole ways. He's asked us to use them, to turn the tools of egotistical expression into weapons, to act like righteous motherfuckers to those who have power. Bill Ayers and the Weather Underground and the SDS were fuckin' jerks. The civil rights marchers were rude and impolite to the status quo.
Now is the time, this final confluence of events, that has allowed us to be able to say, "How dare you have done this to us. How fucking dare you." It's why for so, so many people race doesn't matter. It's why even the South and West are in play this year. Even an asshole can do what's right.
No policy talk here. No comparisons with McCain. Let's keep this clear: By making Barack Obama president, we return to a simple American idea, one that the Founders embraced when they were such jack-offs to the British: this land is our land, my land, your land. But it ain't fuckin' their land.
This is the time. Make your voice heard. Vote.
I'm Broadway Carl and I approve this message.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Obama's Grandmother Dies
Senator Barack Obama’s grandmother, a central figure in his life who helped raise him during his teen-age years, died in Hawaii on Monday morning.
Mr. Obama, who left the presidential campaign trail late last month to travel to Honolulu to bid her farewell, announced the death in a statement released by his spokesman upon landing here this afternoon. Her death comes one day shy of Election Day.
“It is with great sadness that we announce that our grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, has died peacefully after a battle with cancer,” Mr. Obama said in a statement. “She was the cornerstone of our family, and a woman of extraordinary accomplishment, strength, and humility. She was the person who encouraged and allowed us to take chances.”
Palin Snubs Megyn Kelly and Fox!
Megyn Kelly: Now on Friday, we promised you an interview with Gov. Sarah Palin. We did that because the McCain camp promised us, after weeks of negotiating, that the governor would sit down with me in Ohio on Sunday. On Saturday, less than 24 hours before the interview, the McCain camp canceled, saying that the the governor would not meet with us after all. They claimed that the governor suddenly did not have any time over the coming 72 hours to make good on her agreement of a 10-minute sit-down. We apologize for the McCain camp breaking its word. Our viewers certainly deserve better.
Interesting that Fox would have to negotiate for weeks to have an interview with Sarah Palin. Weeks of negotiations to be able to spotlight a candidate for her own benefit.
AHAHAHAAHHAH!!!! Suck it, Megyn Kelly! After that knock-down-drag-out with Bill Burton last week, now your own candidates are snubbing Fox. Maybe it's time to get a real job since you seem to be too tough for a Palin interview on the GOP network.
It must hurt, Megyn. It must really feel like shit. All that water carrying for the GOP and now you're treated like this. You probably feel like the young woman who was turned away at a McCain rally because she "didn't look right" - and this after she had already voted for McCain! That's gotta sting.
Come away from the dark side, Megyn. Come into the light. At the very least, join CNN or a major network (I'd dare say MSNBC but I fear you don't fit in), but whatever you do, take a good look in the mirror and try to figure out why it is that you were snubbed by a know nothing whore from Alaska, after you've been defending her and McThuselah for all this time.
Uncommitted Voters
I read this today:With two days to go, only 8 percent of likely voters are uncommitted – either they have not yet chosen a candidate, or their minds could still change. Nearly all of these uncommitted voters say they plan to vote.
Today’s uncommitted voters are mostly white, and more than half are age 45 or older. Just over half are men, and most live in the Midwest and South. Half describe themselves as moderate, and many are not partisan - four in 10 are independents.
In that case I've come to the conclusion that "today's uncommitted voter" is also a fucking moron who couldn't decide if he should have Cocoa Puffs™ or Fruit Loops™ for breakfast. And they go through that hard decision every single day. "Today's uncommitted voter" spends 20 minutes wondering what pair of jeans he's going to wear, the blue pair or the blue pair, even though both pair are the same exact fucking type of jeans. "Today's uncommitted voter" calls himself "independent" because he can't decide on a political party. And judging by the description that "today's uncommitted voters" are white Midwestern/Southerners over the age of 45, I've also come to the conclusion that they are also closet racists who can't stand John McCain but can't bear the thought of voting for Barack Obama because he's a black man. And the only reason that they are still in the closet about their racism is because they can't decide if they should come out.
No ifs, ands or buts about it - if after listening to two years of campaigning, you are still "uncommitted" between
A) a creepy, old guy who brings nothing to the table except that he thinks he is deserving of the highest office in the land because of his status as a POW and who's first real presidential decision was to choose as his running mate a trailer trash whore from Alaska who can't put a sentence together without sounding like a sing-song Romper Room host reject to be one frail heartbeat away from the most powerful position in the world, or -
B) an, intelligent, thoughtful man who knows and understands the problems that we face in this country because he was not born into privilege and can bring people of all stripes together because of his overwhelming message of hope and unity and his ability to extract the best from every single one of us in order to reclaim our position of respect in the world -
- then you probably should sit this one out and let the grown ups decide what's best for the nation. I know that voting is a right, but I also think that it is a privilege, a privilege that shouldn't be taken lightly, and for someone to say they are still "uncommitted" at this point, they must either lying, apathetic, or completely uninformed, misinformed or both and therefore clueless.
So do us all a favor, Mr. and Mrs. Uncommitted, and stay home. Watch the election results from the comfort of your own home as you fret over the decision between ordering pizza or Chinese. Sit there with your mouth agape as the kung pao chicken or pepperoni slice hangs from your lips pondering the next four years with the first African American in the White House. And then sit back and think about how you watched history... instead of participating in it.
T Minus 78 Days
"There is a - we've got a homeownership gap in America, let's face it. Over 75 percent of white Americans own their home, and less than 50 percent of Hispanos and African Americans don't own their home. And that's a gap, that's a homeownership gap. And we've got to do something about it."
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