Tuesday, February 10, 2009

11th Commandent: Thou Shalt Not Waste Indoor Tennis Court Time

From the American Thinker, a site whose recent blog post titles include "Global Warming Causes Mental Illness" and "Democrat Wage Controls Mean Mediocre Management" (so beware if you venture over there) comes this lovely gem from Joyce Capron describing her horrifying incident on the tennis court with her playing partner. Oh, the humanity!

Today at tennis, after I made a hard point, my partner offered the Obama fist bump.

"I don't do that," I said, and I gave her a stern look. It's not the first time I've run into Obamabots on the courts; the game attracts argumentative, competitive types (of which I may be one). I didn't stop and lecture the O'Bot, because Wasting Indoor Court Time is a Sin. I just high-fived her with my racquet, and went on playing.

It seems that Capron has a stick up her ass the size of a tennis raquet (raquet head end first). Well, Jebus forbid that she should share a gesture of goodwill and sportsmanship with her playing partner. After all, everyone knows that Obama invented the fist bump and some in the inner circle say you must avoid physical contact with "Obamabots" at all times, else be subjected to infection through skin pores causing inevitable assimilation. So she did what any normally insane wingnut would do. She followed the RNC handbook guidelines for dealing with just such an instance.

  • Step One: State your case. Stare the threat in the eye and assert your beliefs. She gave her a stern look and said, "I don't do that."

  • Step Two: Avoid physical contact. She avoided the gesture by using a non-physical appendage. She "high-fived" her with her raquet.

  • Step Three: Promptly dispose of infected item. She wrapped the raquet in a Neocon haz-mat bag (available for a small donation to the RNC).

  • Step Four: Discard. She stored it away in a safe place for later incineration.

What struck me most about this elitist, racist piece of shit was not that she doesn't do the fist jab, which Obama invented by the way, or that she can't stand to look at the President to the point of turning over "offensive magazines" at the store checkout lines (like she actually does her own grocery shopping, HA!) or even that she's arming her kids with disinformation so they can spread their stupidity at their Conservative Club, which they co-founded at their notoriously liberal high school; so liberal in fact, they had trouble finding a faculty sponsor. Or that she'd protest the "porkulus" bill, "Even if it snowed." That's nothing. We're all used to that kind of erratic, irrational thinking and behavior.

No, what struck me, being a non-religious person, was Capron's third sentence into her piece. "I didn't stop and lecture the O'Bot, because Wasting Indoor Court Time is a Sin." That struck me as a little off. I think it's pretty safe to say that the majority of Republicans (at least the rabid type) are devoutly religious in nature. And I don't think I've ever heard any non-religious person use the word "sin" in their daily chatter. Rather than engage in a debate with a person with which she assumes is ideologically opposed to her, voicing her opinion of this outrageous gesture that cannot be taken lightly, this fist bump (which Obama invented), she kept her mouth shut because she didn't want to waste precious tennis court time. And this stuffed shirt, tennis playing snob equated "wasting indoor court time" (with capitalization) to a sin.

Picture that for a minute...

Capron (walking into a confessional): Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Priest: Yes, my child. Confess.

Capron: I used the Lord's name in vain twice this week. I yelled at my son for hanging out with that liberal boy, Billy from down the block. And... and... (*sniff, *sniff)...

Priest: Go on.

Capron: I refused to fist jab with my tennis partner (you know, because Obama invented the fist jab) and was going to tell her off about her Obamabot ways, but I resisted, knowing that WASTING INDOOR COURT TIME IS A SIN. And then I realized that in my though process, I might have actually wasted maybe... a minute! (*uncontrollable sobbing)

Priest: Write a check to the RNC and your sins will be forgiven.

I really do hope that she does give the Obama fist bumper "an earful" next time and winds up getting an earful of raquet smashed across her head for her trouble. Maybe then she'll move out of the "bluest of the blue states" to a red state to be with her kind, but I don't know that she'll find a tennis partner in Thibodaux, Louisiana.

(H/T Bob Cesca)

1 comment:

Fraulein said...

These people are officially psychotic. Future historians will not be able to figure out why the right-wingers were ever taken seriously.